Individual Value and Worth Pt. I

I fell in love once. For the first time in my life. She was a couple years younger than me, stuck in a relationship she didn’t really want, and beautiful. We became fast friends. After a while, she broke off her engagement and short time after that, we became more than friends. But I wouldn’t commit to a full relationship until she found a new place to live. So she did. I came back from a short family vacation to discover she had moved in with a man she had just recently met. 

It took me a few years after that, and two more similar relationships, to discover I did love her after a fashion, but mostly I wanted to save her, because if I saved her, she would forever after feel grateful for what I did and never leave me. I wanted to prove to her my worthiness to receive her love forever, which came from my belief of unworthiness to receive any unearned love.

Her leaving me didn’t prove that I didn’t have value worth love from another person, as I first thought. At that time, I needed another person to love me for what I did, because of my inability to love myself for whom I am. I felt ashamed of things from my past and that shame kept, at times still keeps, me from allowing others access to my life.

I have grown in this truth for the past 5 years, and can see it more and more each day. Until we look at ourselves, the best things we have accomplished along with the most evil actions we have taken, and can say honestly, this is who I am. We can never say with honesty I like this and will keep it and I don’t like this but I can change it. Fear and self-loathing not only cause more of the same, but they block our ability to receive genuine love from others. 

We look for people whom we can prove ourselves to, whom we can work for and get affirmation in return. But we can never please every person all the time. We will always fail, sometimes, even when we do everything we are asked. Confidence in our self and self-worth enable us to help others find theirs. 

The question remains, where do we find that confidence?